Life Cycles of the Rich and Famous

So, if this article is to be believed, it appears that Bieber fever is finally dying down. This can be seen as a direct result of three reasons: 1) Justin Bieber’s brushes with the law  and his all-around stupidity and bitchiness.  2) His scary fans growing up past the age of 13…

Now that we’ve matured, we can focus on more mature, sophisticated Nickelback!

… and 3) the inevitable expiry date of any tween sensation.  Don`t act like you don`t know what I`m talking about. Since the dawn of the modern era (My definition of the modern era: 1996-present) not a single teen-pop sensation not named Justin Timberlake has burst on the scene, gathered a following of mentally deranged/teenage fans to praise them repeatedly, and then sputtered out rather quickly. It`s inevitable. I`m just surprised it`s taken three years so far with Bieber.

Justin, think of it this way… Taio Cruz would kill for your luck.

Now, while not all pop stars are the same (No matter how much it may seem that way) a lot of them  seem to follow a weirdly specific pattern ( A “Circle of Life”, if you will) in their careers. And what kind of internet  citizen would I be if I didn’t write said pattern up for the rest of the internet to see? I present to you all the Tween-Pop Circle of Life (Patent Pending).

(Remember, not EVERYONE follows this pattern. This is just stars that fit into each specific category. Also, don`t bother saying “Why isn’t  (Insert miscellaneous celebrity here) on this chart, you fraud?!” I make the list, I choose the hacks. Also, I don`t know who is or give two shits about Cody Simpson enough to look up his career.)

1. Anonymity

Unless you were born into a celebrity family (Miley Cyrus, Jaden Smith), chances are that a pop singer isn`t going to be recognized as a talent/escorted onstage with a shotgun until later. Lady Gaga was born Stefani Germanotta to a lower-middle class family in Manhattan and was in a bar band for the early part of her career.  Bieber was raised in Stratford, Ontario in a single parent household by his born-again Christian mom. Rihanna grew up in Barbados to a crack addict father. Katy Perry was a Christian Pop singer.

2. Discovery

Then comes the discovery. Obviously, to get noticed as a pop star, you have to get someone to notice you. Occassionally, this is done through hard work and toil (As were the cases for Katy Perry and Rihanna.). More often than not, it’s just plain, stupid luck.

Out of thousands of videos of teenagers singing pop songs on Youtube, talent scout Scooter Braun was impressed enough by Bieber to invite him to try out for him in Atlanta. God only knows if there was an even more talented teenager out there who either a) wasn’t as photogenic as Bieber or b) Braun just didn’t get a chance to view because he was stuck on Boy Wonder.  Britney Spears was groomed to be a star ever since she auditioned for the reboot of  House of Mouse before joining the girl group Innosense (Who eventually became her opening act).

3. Explosion

After one or two albums, the “musicians” will generally achieve a sudden and unprecedented hit album.  Justin Bieber had one with his My World while Katy Perry ditched the gospel schtick with her album One of the Boys. Around this time, they will start developing a massive fanbase. There is a very good chance that some of them will be insane.

And some will just be sex offenders.

4. Bring on the raunchy!

After an unset amount of time, the pop star (or, more likely, their songwriter) will start getting a little more “adult oriented”. This has been clearly demonstrated so far in Britney Spears’ “Toxic”, every single post-Christian Katy Perry album, and that Justin Bieber song where he sings about fondue or something.

Pictured: The ultimate aphrodisiac.

Around this time, some may try their hand at acting. It will end very, very poorly.

5. Legal Troubles

Most all of us have committed at least one crime or another. Some of you may have had a speeding ticket or something. Others may have smoked a little pot, while I am a repeat offender of the heinous crime that is jaywalking.

Oh, the humanity!

I`m going to pick on Bieber on this one, as his struggles with the law are the most publicized, currently.

Some time between steps 3 and 4, the celebrity will experience a boost to their ego, which is directly linked to the fact that they are now millionaires and can do whatever the hell they want. Buying a shitload of cars is one thing they may do. Endangering those around you with said cars , showing up two hours late to concerts, and spitting on neighbours  who complain about endangering those around them. Apparently, the next step is having a ex-NFL player follow them home and try to talk to them about their reckless driving, before squealing like a bitch, escaping, and refusing to leave your house.

Keyshawn Johnson 2006-10-15.jpg

“Damn. Shoulda just stomped his ass.”

6. The Decline (My Favourite Part)

(Actually, this part may come during or even before part 5. I realize this puts holes in my “pattern theory, but if I cared about consistency, I wouldn’t be writing on the internet. )

Eventually, the fans start to have their infatuation with these superstars shaken. Whether it be because of a (further) deterioration of musical and artistic abilities or the discovery that the superstar really is kind of a shitty human being, the ticket and album sales will drop to bargain levels. (If 400 dollars to see some dick lip-synch at Rexall Place is considered a “bargain”.) How do pop singers respond to this rejection? Well sometimes, they set aside their ego and decide that maybe their time has run its course and it might be time to engage in productive activities like getting a college degree that they missed out on or raising their kids right.

More often, they just go insane.

This is about the only time when I will pay attention to a teenybopper’s career.


After soul-searching, another flop album, or a lengthy stage in rehab, the entertainer will finally call it quits and leave the music industry. These former titans of the tyrannical music business will be reduced back to their original selves, except with boatloads more money. And babies out of wedlock.

And a cocaine habit.

A few more years down the road, the singer may experience feelings of nostalgia for the good ol` days, when you could beat people up, post horrible Anne Frank jokes on Twitter and molest minors without having to actually pay for the consequences. Like KISS, these singers will attempt a comeback tour. Unlike KISS no one will give a fuck, since their fans have moved on to dubstep. Isn’t the circle of life wonderful?

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